


Dearly Beloved

by StainedGlassDreams



Series: Dearly Beloved [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Bucky and Steves friendship, Bucky slowly remembers, Bucky/Black Widow, CA:TWS, Captain America - Freeform, Castle Oblivion, Dreams, F/M, Gen, Memories, kingdom hearts - Freeform, memory recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-21
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-05 13:50:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 44
Words: 18,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1820632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StainedGlassDreams/pseuds/StainedGlassDreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Naminé, having never bound with Kairi after Xemnas' defeat, lives in a kingdom of Nobodies, helping them to further understand who they are, & their original selves.</p><p>Steve & Sam hear of this & after a long journey, come to ask her help to restore Bucky's broken memories.</p><p>& so, it begins....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1- "I Can Fix It"

Naminé looked out to the window; her regal robes, drenched to the floor.  
How ironic, she always thought. That this material mirrored memorives. Lengthy. Sturdy & true.  
There were dashes of yellow in it. For the boy she could never save.

Here, in the world of Nobodies, she harbored them. The lost, & those forgotten, to prevent any other Xemnas' from starting. She cared for them. & they respected her, regards as Queen. She scoffed at the word. How could one, without a heart rule?

Then again, she heard that too often.

But during this time, she never stopped searching. For the boy that was as lost as she was.  
She stayed behind, helping Kairi thru holographic form, manipulating & enhancing the data DiZ had left.  
She owed him more than she could say.  
But the boy never appeared. & she knew he couldn't. He had more courage. & the option could never be his.

She often cried at this. It was her fault, after all. She vowed never to tinkle with memories again. Even her own broken ones, as part of the curse for never binding with Kairi.  
As a result of this curse the witch could even never touch, she forgot the boy's name. Among many other things.

A Nobody came in the room, whispering to her. She quckly turned.

A blonde man, another man running quickly beside him & a slighly dishelved & seemingly unconscious man being held in the first's arms came quickly into the room.  
They laid the man down standing in front of her.

"....I've never had guests in a long time."  
The blonde panted. "We heard about you. We didn't know where else to turn."  
She slowly walked toward them. "Is he your friend?"  
He nodded. His other friend looking at the surroundings carefully. "& yours?" She looked to him. "....In a way."  
She looked at the man laying before them. He looked slightly scared, even in sleep. His metal arm on his left, glinting in the setting sun, an emblem of a star on it. She wasn't familiar with it.  
"....How long has he been like this?"  
".....We had to knock him out."  
She knelt. "....May I?"  
He nodded.  
& for the first time in who knows when, she reached out to someone. In touching him, a clear field appeared before her. She stopped for a moment.

"His name is James Buchanan Barnes."

"& you came here; to see if I could repair his memories."  
"Yes."  
She said not the reason she stopped. That she felt something if herself in him. In James. Memories & a heart. Deep. But still. Existing. 

"& your names?"  
"Steve Rogers. & this is."  
"Sam. Sam Wilson."  
She looked at them, her blue eyes touching theirs, softly but intensely, as she only could. "You must truly care for him."  
Sam spoke. "He's gone through a lot. .....More than any human could."  
Steve remained silent.  
She touched James hair. It reminded her of one she had helped. The reason of that promise. One she guarded intently. For so so long. But in the face of this stranger, it melted. Like the icy world she created.  
"Please." Steve said, speaking. "....He needs help. His memories. They're....damaged."  
"I can feel it. He's lost in them. Deep. ....But..." A part of her brightened with these words. Ones she never thought to say again. "I can fix it."

"What's the cost?" Steve asked. Precarious & nervous.  
She stood up. "....Nothing"  
Sam looked to her. "Nothing?"  
She looked to the window. "A long time ago, I made a promise. Because of what I did..to someone I used to know. & now, I can use this to make up for it. .....For all I caused."  
She summoned a Nobody. "Take them to the basement." It agreed, bowing before quietly, swooping down to take them. ".....I hope....that this makes up." She summoned her notebook. It looked just as it did when she last touched it. When the boy still was around.


	2. 2- The Lotus Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve & Sam say so long as Naminé begins Bucky's journey to his heart.

Steve, Bucky & Sam re-appeared in the basement.  
A lotus flowered opening dome was in the center of the room, big enough for one person to fit comfortably.  
It's walls were covered w/ papers. Beautiful & simple watercolor & pencil sketchings of scenery, worlds & people. It reached half the dome like room.  
Naminé appeared in the doors.  
"It's simple."  
They turned to her.  
Her undeserved robes dragged gently on the ground. That tin & hollow noise was still the same. It made her wince.  
"But that's the best. Sometimes."  
She looked to the walls of the room. She hadn't gazed in here for a long time. ".....I haven't tinkered with anyone's memories. I....I haven't tried. Because of that promise. ....That I told you all earlier about.  
"These pictures. A long time ago, a boy lost his memories. The chains, they were taken apart, & attached to a lesser one. So they broke. I broke...& fixed them. & because of events of that...I can't remember his name." She tried not to cry. She knew Nobodies were capable. The boy was. Just as Axel was.  
She tried her best to remain calm. "He'll be put there. Sleeping. While I fix the chains of his memory. ...& his heart."  
Steve looked to her. "How long?"  
She paused. "....A while."  
"You see.....the wires of his memories & his heart. ....They're frayed. But like light, wires can be fixed. They just need to be connected." She smiled.  
"How do you connect them?"  
Carefully, as if handling the boy himself, she took out her notebook. "...I draw them. & while he sleeps, I draw them back."  
Bucky remained sleeping.  
"But before I can, I need to be sure he agrees."  
"He did." Steve replied softly. "We asked him. He said he would do anything."  
"Because I need absolute discretion. Memories Steve....are fragile. & giving them to him, I'll need to see things, even he may not remember."  
"He did. ....But are there consequences?"  
She looked down. Trying not to remember the other boy's friend. How his darkness changed his natural form.  
But...this man had the same light. & if he was already changed, then it would do the reverse.  
"Steve. Sam. ....You know he has deep memories. Dark. Ones that did change him. Even for a second. But...." she Paused. "You know then...that there is good in him. A strong, strong light. Ignited by you. His friends." She had smiled. "That's the greatest thing."

She opened her notebook. "& it'll help. Because his strength will be endured. Pushed. That....the darkness of his memories won't change him. That his light, is just as strong as his darkness."  
Sam looked to Steve. They both understood. Steve looked at James. "No. .....He's strong." He got up.  
"Then.....we will begin."  
She told Sam & Steve to set him inside. The white hollow pod felt soothing. Sam put his hand on James shoulder. "Hey man.....get those memories back. ....You owe me a race."  
Steve smiled slightly at his friend. Sam then put his hand on Steve's shoulder, gripping it tight, leaving him to say his so long for now's.  
Naminé watched as Steve looked at the uncscious Bucky. He saw him go through so much. In these months. &....throughout the years. He flashed back slightly to an instance when they were kids.  
"Come on Steve!" They went to a field trip to Niagara. Bucky discovered a small spot where two fields connected; he had the idea to race sticks down it.  
Steve was trying to catch up. "Wait up Bucky!!" The orange, red hues filled his vision as he attempted to catch up, he didn't notice the root on the ground, tripping on it & falling.  
"Steve!!!" He dropped his sticks & rushed to his friend. "Steve!! Are you okay??" He got up, a cut on his knee bleeding slightly. "Oh jeez...Steve..I'm sorry..." He helped him up, carrying him down the steeper parts. "I'm okay Buck, I promise. & it's not your fault." He kept his arm Steve as he walked to the end. He sat him down, getting his Boy Scout Emergency Kit. He cut off a piece carefully as he wrapped it around him. He looked to the river bank. "Hey"  
The twigs ran down softly. "Look, see that one with a leaf on it? That's yours; you know what that means, right?"  
Steve sniffed. "What?"  
The second one came after. "You beat me!" He said jubilant. "Good going Steve!"  
"I-I did?" He asked, still sniffing.  
"Yeah!" He smiled at him! "& look! All better." The patch was on. He hadn't felt it.  
He stood up. "Now come on, I'll take you someplace new!"  
He flashed back to here. Bucky was asleep. His eyes of confusion waiting to be healed underneath. His hair was still long. & a slight stubble was on him. No matter what, Bucky was with him. Thru thick & thin. Even in war.  
He held the left side of his neck. "....When you wake up......I only hope you can forgive me. For never looking." He put the leaf in his right hand as he left.

She told the Nobodies to close it. She looked to them. "Your friend will be safe here. & you're free to visit, whenever you please."  
Steve looked at Bucky, now only slightly viewable thru the clear pod. "....Thanks. Naminé." He shook her hand before embracing her. Sam did the same.

They left as Naminé was left in the white room with Bucky.  
"Well James...." she watched him float serenely & gently in the white pod "...  
Let's get those memories back."

She drew a red star & two friends holding hands.

Starts with an R.


	3. Day 1

People often think the most difficult part of a memory, is remembering.

This was often the case with the Nobodies that found shelter in what remained of Castle Oblivion.  
Naturally, she took it apart. Cards no longer went higher & the castle itself was only as high as it ever needed to be. Each Nobody has their own room, & if optional, their own floor in which to project the memories. To which they'd ask, how it would be possible.

'Why give me such a big place,' Zero asked. 'If I can't remember?'

She sketched.

She placed her hand on her shoulder, bending down to her level. "Because Zero, it isn't the hard part, to remember."

She felt James falling.

She looked at her eyes. "It's wanting, that is the difficult choice."

She explained the rules to James in his sleep.  
How she could get his memories back. To fix & assemble the missing pieces & fill them back in.

That wasn't the hard part.

She explained that most of the memories in him, were tainted with a darkness. & with every memory, he would need to fight off this darkness that was the cause of his hearts chains becoming undone.  
How confident she was in him. How much he reminded her of a boy she used to know.

He felt he might just reach the ground sooner.

He looked to where her voice was.  
She explained, too, the consequences of staying. That his memories would forever be frayed, but he wouldn't have to go through with the risks of this journey. They talked about it for a while.

A key sound. "Well; what're we waiting for?" He walked to the door. "Let's go forth."  
She smiled. "Let's go."

She dusted off the drawing. An open door, a light eminating from it.

Progress at: 2%


	4. Day 1: Continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James reaches his hearts Station of Awakening as he makes the final decision of where to begin.

He arrived to a wall of glass, drops of colors put in every piece. Every shard, holding a different image. A different picture to the larger one. A collage of memories, all processed into one.  
He stood before it.

This is the Station of Serenity.  
The words weren't spoken so much as understood. So much as they were felt inward.  
"Naminé?" He called out.  
Her voice eminated from inside.  
"Don't worry James. I'm here."  
"What is this place?"

The floor was a beautiful stained glass mosaic that covered the entirety of the floor, but he couldn't make out the picture. Maybe higher up.

"It's a station. Each heart has one. Hidden deep within." She said. "Here, you'll choose where we start. Where we first remember."

The first question is, said the unspoken voice, do you want to remember?

He thought about it. There was no going back. He was going to remember.

"Yes."

A large staircase appeared before him.  
"Do I take it?" He spoke out loud.  
There was a pause. "Yes." R  
replied Naminé.  
The stairs looked like glass. He was afraid of his weight cracking it. He took a first step. It remained. The feeling was of security. He continued upward.

The stairs led to an identical pillar of a slightly higher altitude.  
The floor was again a stained glass pattern, but he still couldn't make it out. He looked behind at the previous pillar. The floor was of a beautiful woman apparently sleeping, red hair in a winterty landscape.

There was no more stairs.  
He looked around for anything. A sign of something.

The words came to him again.

How do you want to remember?

He suddenly turned. 3 doors appeared on the frays of the floor.  
He walked closer.   
Each door was different. A general feeling eminated from each.  
The first carried weight. It was a silver door with a red star.  
The second was a military style door. It felt harsh.  
The third felt consoling but hurt. This was a wooden door with light pulsing in lines similar to a hard drive.

He walked up to the first.

This door holds the truth to many things, said his hearts voice.   
The power of the past to understand the future. But bears a weight that both harms, & heals. Is this the door you choose?

He backed away.

He moved to the second.

Choosing this will open an index. The ability to understand the present & rebuild the past & future. It will bring back feelings of solitude, & regret. Is this your choice?

He eyed the third. Last one.  
This door will open your heart. It carries a light that will be needed; like a lantern in the night. However, it requires the power of forgiveness. Is this the door you choose?

He walked to the center.  
Naminé once again entered the frame.  
She drew the station. One she hadn't done, in quite a long time.

"The decision is yours James. Whichever you choose, will begin this journey. & you'll return again to choose once more."

He understood. "How do I choose?"  
There was another pause in the calm. "Listen to the sound of your heart."

He closed his eyes, breathing slowly.  
He walked toward the third door.

"This is what I choose."  
The door clicked.

He walked through. Leaving the mosaic on the floor of himself asleep. Steve, Natalia & other small memories surrounding him.

She drew the floor.  
Naminé smiled. "Good choice James."

Progress at: 7%


	5. Interlude

Memories echo like stones on the water.

One throws such an object; smooth, flat, & it skips.

Making ripples throughout the lake. Like a whisper carried on the wind, that same wind taken by two lovers dancing, & blown back into the hair of the caster.

Such is the destined nature. It has no set path as the future changes every second.


	6. Day 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky questions why he can't see Naminé & remembers someone extremely important...

Day 3-

Naminé structured the gallery of memories to resemble the surroundings of what was to come. It was only a single road & to each memory, a single door would materialize.

He was walking. The first memory was in a deep winter landscape as that was all that was visible. Snow covering everything but the road.

Naminé labored over this. Pouring over to make sure the next memory would be correct.  
When she pieced together the chains of the boy, the one that she had taken apart, chronology was not in mind. Just efficiency. Like a librarian, the way their hands trace over the authors until its rightfully there. & even then, they poured trust into it. Love, & caring, like the words that were typed. Words that, weren't even their own.  
She supposed that she was similar. But how could she ever think of herself that way, if she was equally once the one who messed up the shelves? All she could do was make up for it.  
She would fix all the books if she had to. Though, she fixes them differently. The Nobodies books written in flame activiated lemon ink; & all she did was help them remember their contents.  
But with James.....it was different. She was cataloguing. Not only shelving the book but left with an open binder & instinct to pick up the remaining pages; laid scattered & torn on the floor. But there was something calming. Something that soothed her in doing so. Not in prying, or assembling. Even a filer can get tired.  
It was the closest she could get to him. R-

James broke the chain of thought. "Naminé?"  
"Yes?" She answered, caught off-guard.  
He tredged on, apparently thinking too. "Why is it I can only hear you?"  
The question of the night. She paused. "I....I wouldn't appear. You would see me as someone else. Because we've never met in reality."  
He remained quiet. "Have you tried?"

Riku.

"....Yes. To the one similar to yourself."  
James had stopped. "Let's try it."  
She didn't reply. She didn't want to tamper anymore than she was already. ".....James, I don't know who you'd see me as. & only afterward would I be able to. ......I could trigger a different memory."  
He remained stationary. "Amuse me."  
She breathed. If Riku saw her as Kairi; she already knew who James would see her as. Maybe this would be good.

She set up the door first.

James looked at it. "......The first?"  
"Yes." Naminé replied. He was ready. "Don't worry."

He opened it.

It was a white room. Even shadows signifying walls were nowhere to be found.

"James."  
He turned.  
Eyes of green.

He clutched his head. ".......Who...."  
She smiled. God, how beautiful she was. How much he had missed her.  
"Who am I James?"

A red haired woman with curls & an open stance; that only became so in his prescence.  
His mind swam. "I....I don't...."  
She spoke. "Think. She means a lot to you."

Another part of him that remained in falling mode.

She smiled.

"Kiss wasn't good enough for you?"  
He looked up. "......Natalia."

She wrote, admiring it on the page.  
Steve was right. His heart was strong.

Progress at: 11%

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay in posting, hope you're enjoying & if you have been reading, Thank You :)


	7. -22 syaD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters written backward mean they took place before Bucky was taken to Naminé, the number is how many days it was before :)

Natasha had felt strange.  
She put her keys in the plain white dish.

She removed her jacket.  
It had been ever since James Barnes was found some odd 2 weeks ago. & something, somewhere, the clock was ticked different. Far different then before.

She bent against the shadows, unzipping her clothes gently.  
It felt good. Freeing from the doubts that currently inhabited the darker corners of her mind.   
She had already considered this her specialty, & she didn't like the idea that something was doing it better, & she greatly disliked it was being done in her mind.

But about Barnes.

She walked to the edge of the windows, the shades hiding her but the shadows encasing her figure.

Steve had talked about him on numerous occasions, & she had previously "met him" twice before.   
She daren't look at the file she gave Rogers; that was his own personal hell to deal with, she just gave him the option.  
But there was something there that bothered her. She did take a peek. Amongst the things that would make a sane person's skin crawl wih twilight terrors, there was a small note. That he had lived in Russia the same time she had. & left a month before she did.

There had been moments though; strange, infectious moments on the out of the blue occasion that Barnes did eye to eye her.  
& she couldn't see her own eyes but she has seen it mirrored in his own. The same feeling. & when it happened, she turned the other way or walked to something. Whatever it took to break the spell that had overtaken them both.

Was the feeling possibly familiarity?

She walked to the bathroom. It was a modest room, with no indistinguishable features. The door was glass, & no personal things adorned it, just the way she liked it, save a red toothbrush.  
She got in.

But she would remember. Everything from those days was inescapable in her mind. It was what kept her straight, just as Barton helped in realizing.  
Her memory was fine.

Too warm. She turned it slightly.

Is this a taste of what the man felt? A ghost itch eminating from the mind, but no place to scratch?  
She remembered this. But how could a feeling exist if there wasn't reason behind it? Familiarity. From a memory that was complete.

The water dripped down her body, soaking the red strands.

This feeling haunted her.

She finished showering, stepping out on the tile & walking into the living room.

A name had arrived in her mind in the middle of the night, a few days after their last encounter. Like a scent, bringing back the memory with it.  
It was a typical Russian name, she knew no one by it. But the name has drifted.  
She sank into bed after drying & brushing her hair. She hated something beating her.

The name of tonight, sinking further clues of familiarity. Yasha.


	8. Day 3 (Continued)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Bucky remembers, the chain below glows bright with it

Day 3 (continued):

Natasha was out with Clint. The date came at a funny & unexpected request. Somehow, he knew when she was feeling too far inward.  
"You know the place on 5th & Crescent?"  
"The coffee shop?"  
A pause. "Okay, you don't know it."  
She smiled. She loved that about him.  
"Meet me there in an hour. Any later, I'm coming to pick your ass up."

So they did. There was a small French place behind the coffee shop, that she had never seen.  
"You hide, I seek. That's why you haven't seen it. Yet." His simple explanation & it made her feel nice.

He never brought up the reason why she was feeling strange. Not asking, not hinting. Just talking to distract. He knew well enough not to try & pry it out of her. If he did, the thought itself might sink into a place he couldn't quite reach.  
To be honest, she couldn't understand her feeling odd.

It had started when they found Bucky.  
He didn't really look at her until that day. & whenever they did, they both seemed on the precipice of saying something. Some lucid thought that remained tucked away somewhere in the recesses of their conscious. But what, neither seemed to conclude. She avoided him more after that.  
After Sam & Rogers told her they were leaving, the same seemingly displaced muscle memory disparaged her for saying next to nothing.   
Bucky seemed to feel the same, staying in the apartment longer than usual. She was there, standing behind the door. She sensed he knew. & was just.....waiting.  
Mirroring the thoughts burrowed somewhere to be unearthed, they remained silent; & he left.  
A part of her felt relieved. & extremely saddened.

Blocking was a specialty & she utilized this as she attempted to enjoy the surprise Clint had so dutifully worked hard to pull.  
Dragging her out.

They walked.

Telling her to let go of the voice in her head.

The city paid them no mind.

It felt nice.  
He put his arm around her. She looked up. "That's not your style."  
He shrugged. "Just for today."  
They continued.

She stopped for a moment, her heart feeling....off.  
Clint looked at her.

She tried to speak. Something inside had shifted. Unlocked & it rushed in like a cold wind.  
"Nat?"

Yasha.

She fell.

*-*-*-*-*  
It was slower in her mind.  
& she felt someone there. Not Clint; the world outside this state was blocked. No. Someone else. The bridge was inhabited by one other as she stood at its other spectrum.  
It was a man with full brown hair, a stance that welcomed love & a strange left arm.  
She called out. "Who are you?"   
"Who are you?" He asked.  
"..I'm Natasha."  
The bridge rumbled. He looked at her.  
"Natasha."  
She was finding it now that neither had raised their voice. It was smooth & concise.  
".....I've been dreaming of you." He said.  
"Why?" She asked.  
His eyes were soft. "Come on Natalia."  
No one had called her by that name. "But who ARE you?"  
They walked closer. A haze began creeping in & her vision became obscure.

"I thought I kissed pretty well for a guy with a metal arm."

Then, the fog cleared.  
James.

She returned falling. Clint rushed over to her side. "Nat. Nat!! Natasha, answer me." He wouldn't lose her.  
She stirred.  
He held her. "Natasha."  
She opened her eyes. "Say something."

She sat up, trembling. She had to remember.

The feeling. They did know each other.

Progress at: 15%

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There'll be more characters added as we go along, just don't want to add them until later to keep the surprise :)
> 
> If you've been reading, Thanks :)


	9. Day 7

Punch, kick, kick, punch  
Dodge, duck, dodge  
This cycle repeated. There was frustration in her green eyes but she was good at concealing. She showed nothing of her true feelings, her breathing regulated to a point of calmness. But the anger was still there.

Sweep, kick, kick  
Dodge, dodge, blocked.

Her eyes were shouting silently now.

Kickpunchkickkicksweep  
Blocked.  
She stop, laying on the floor. Her real breathing came out.  
Without warning, he knelt down, speaking in Russian. "Again."  
"I can't." She replied.  
He held out his hand. "One more time."  
Fire in her eyes, she did.   
Pun-  
This time, he grabbed her wrist. She seemed confused.  
He moved it more to the left. "Change how you hit. If the trajectory is the same, it becomes predictable. Even while you're fighting, the effort to try & predict is going." He let go. "Again."

Punch, punch, punch.  
He still dodged but it was slower.

"Kick."  
She did so; he caught that as well. "Don't let the full length out. Not until contact."

Restarted & fixed. Now it was sparring. He was breathing harder, trying hard to keep up.  
She caught him as he fell to the ground.  
He looked at her, panting. "....Good."  
She outstretched a hand as they got up.

No one was given names. It made identity a harder thing to grab & more willing.  
"....Thank You." She said.  
He grabbed a towel, throwing it to her.  
"You have great potential. You just need to channel it."  
He patted his face. They locked eyes for a moment. There was something. Something to her. Something that felt.....

They turned at the same time, leaving the room.

Progress at: 21%


	10. Day 9

Day 9:

Naminé sketched. For this, it was a dance. The only one he had ever done as WS.

One more line.

As she had said, & fully known, these would take a while. What she hadn't ever thought, would be the level of advancing & escalating detail of which his hearts net had.

Brushes.

He had a lot. Most of them were easy, other times, it was hard.  
The memories of his Russian time, even more so. Twisted & convuluted, as a lake with a beautiful filteration; the kind that is fresh to drink. But, the sediment that covered this, did not end it, but hid this.

She looked at it.

The moonlight shone on them, their breaths still as they broke away from another. His was more so, as if it was all taken in an exhale.  
They locked eyes. "So." She said smartly in English. "You can dance."  
He smirked. "Only with you around." He had said back in English.  
He stroked her long hair, kissing her forehead, softly as the moon. Maybe more. How robbed, he thought, the moon must feel; for it will never know how anything it touches, feels.

She drew extensively her skin. Making sure it was finecrafted.

She said, reverting back to Russian. "I feel at a disadvantage."  
She pulled back to look at him. "Because. Your tongue can say my name, I can feel it rolling off your tongue, but I don't know how your name tastes on mine."  
He looked at her. "Believe me. ......I want your mouth to be the first mouth my name is uttered in." He fought a light headache. It always happened everytime he tried. Some wall he kept being blocked by as a shadow eclipsed him. "But for now; I like how yours feels."  
She smiled as they kissed. He imagined that his name, would find happiness in the airs of her lips.

Next page.

Progress at 23%.


	11. Day 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natalia remembers, & decided to let the process wash over her

Day 10

The rain came down gently upon her window.

It dripped down in streams, cascading.  
Like the truth that suddenly washed over her.  
This was how he felt. Pulling & tugging in the dark, to a seemingly endless rope; each knot, though consoling, equally frustrating as you never knew when it ended.

Lightning came in through the curtains.

How much more did she not know existed?  
She remembered now. That James & her had sparred. Communicated through moves that only they had known, & making love in corners of darkness that HYDRA had not yet claimed their own.

But how much? For how long? Puzzle pieces with missing pieces.  
The time seemed so far, beyond her reasonable grasp of time. Not like it mattered. The concept of time evaded people like them. & Rogers. Which she always felt pity for as his soul didn't deserve the anguish that came with it.

Claps of the sky being demolished by light.

The Gods wanted nothing but immortality.

Flashes.

Stupid.

Memory & light.

She sat up, sitting cross legged.

But why now? Why now was it coming back, nearly a month after he had left?  
Was this how Snow White felt?  
To be kissed by a Prince she didn't know, & instantly be awakened?  
Why then, was the Prince asleep, right after he had awoken the Princess?  
Encased in glass, only to have your saviour accidentally take some poison from your lips.

There was only one option in front of her, like a helicopter getting ready for takeoff.  
Rogers had told her Naminé opened a portal. Its connection open while Bucky's memories were being healed. She had to go there. & find the answers for herself. If such fairytales could exist for doomed fates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the long wait, Thank You again for reading :)


	12. Day 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nat visits the Lotus Room; to face a truth she hoped would be hers as Naminé reminds her she never needn't ever worry.

Day 11

A redhaired woman came in one day. Naminé was slightly taken aback. This was the girl from his dreams.  
If James were S--a, then this is his Kairi. She even had her hair slightly. The same hope hidden in her exterior.  
"....Hello." she said meagerly.  
Naminé stood, setting down her pad. "Hello."  
She shook her hand. It was firm & her hand was warm.

"He's in there." Namine spoke.  
Natalia nodded gingerly as she walked up to the pod.  
James remained floating in the air inside the pod. His expression better.  
She stared at it, as if she did harder, it might open & she might hold him. He looked better. Much more than the previous days of the unrecognized stares, cloaked in mystery then.  
She tried to speak; to be strong & show him that she remained this way.  
But her lips were as frozen as her feet to the smooth linoleum floor. She couldn't speak. In fear of deserved retribution.  
It wasn't fair.   
Not for her, for her, this fate was knowledge. Like how a book always knows it's own contents.  
But what if she could have saved him? Helped his blank pages regain their ink faster? & she had spoke nothing.   
In her heart, she knew she wasn't to blame. The same way James couldn't be held accountable for his troubles.  
But those stares. She didn't suffer the daily cryo horrors he did. Her excuse was a ghostly aura compared to his. Her sub conscious repeated this cycle quietly.

Naminé felt her. It wasn't hard.  
She walked up to her, showing her a page.  
Natasha looked at Naminé before looking at the pic.

2 lovers, kissing. Red hair & a metal arm, interlocked.

She cupped her hand to her face lightly.  
Naminé attempted to ease her. "It's nice to finally meet the girl of his dreams."  
She tried not to cry.

His hand lightly moved.

Progress at: 29%


	13. Day 12:

Day 12:

His memories of Natalia were always comforting. He was Thankful he had as many.

In front of their handlers, they communicated by spar.

Kick; deflection.  
"You're getting better at this."

Punch; reciprocated.  
"I can't afford to be slow, can I?"

The trainers looped around, like accompanied dancers, just there to add flair to the flame.

Sweep; punch.  
"You might even be better than me."

A retort as firey as her hair.  
"Don't dare say that."

Back away; quick steps.  
"Why?"

She caught his punch.  
"Because. Then that rids the chance of seeing you."  
Flipped to his back.

She smiled thru her eyes.  
He got up, doing the same.  
"Then would I be left to pretend to fight with?"

The handlers stopped as they broke.

Naminé felt for them.  
She encouraged Natalia to stay during her sketching. Her precense was bringing the memories back at a much higher rate than she expected.  
Steve's was ready, & of which she could not be surprised. Their friendship meant a great deal.

But this romance was becoming second lived. For both him, & Natalia.  
It meant a second chance was possible. Which, in their profession, unwanted & with no consent for choice, wasn't so much an impossibility as it was unheard of.

But this. ......It meant it was possible.

Progress at: 33%


	14. Day 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha still harbors her guilt as Naminé tries to save her from it, as the turbulent waters only have just started & James needs the calm.

James was making stunning progress. He wanted to remember & this was why.  
Her Sketchbook was increasing slightly in volume. Only she knew this. The book appeared regular to everyone else.

Today was difficult though. Natalia sat in the corner.  
Ever since her link had been amended, she often sat in.  
Her face often sad & just staring at James' pod.

Namine tried to find ways of consoling her. Afraid not only for her, as she knew from James's memories that they harbored the same darkness, but that her doubting would drain the current strength that James had right now. & as they continued further down the staircase of his heart, this would need to be in heavy supply.

But Natasha was in another world altogether. Not bevause she wanted it; no. But because she felt she didn't deserve to be in the same room at this very moment.  
A memory played in her mind.

She had suggested hypnotic regression treatment. It was penetrating without much penetration. She knew this as first hand experience.  
She told this to Barnes as she began to leave the room.  
Suddenly, she felt the grasp of a hand against hers. She looked back to see it Barnes hand, his head looking down. "......You make me feel safe." He said. The level of quiet defeat chipped at her walls.  
She gazed at him.  
"I don't know why. You just do."  
All she did was let him have her hand as they did another session.  
The chip was far from enough as it did nothing. But before she could allow herself to sink deeper into her wallow, a voice came.

"Natasha."  
She was jarred slightly.  
Naminé paused. ".....You can't allow doubt to cloud your mind. ...Not now." She looked to her. "Not when he needs you."  
She hoped she understood. James could feel her. The outside energy of whoever was outside the pod.  
It was why she had allowed only friends of his to cross into the realm. Otherwise, they ran the risk of data corruption.  
Natasha remained quiet. Naminé's calm prohibited worry. But a lowered calm crept in. & then Thankfully, Natasha spoke. ".....He can feel I'm here?"  
Naminé smiled. "Yes."  
She tightened her lips, slowly standing up. She walked toward the pod, stopping a few steps before it. She then began speaking in a different language. Russian, she believed.  
"I'm so sorry. .....For leaving you. Twice." She clenched her fists. "But....I'm here now. & I'm not leaving. From that hellhole to now....I won't leave you again James. We've come too far." She jokingly scoffed. "Besides....you could never throw a punch without me."

Naminé smiled. He was ready.

Progress at: 40%.


	15. syaD 55-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this on paper & a part of me wishes I could just have taken a pic as it looks good on paper. The digital world is fun but remember, nothing beats a paper & pen :)
> 
> Also, a friendly reminder that numbered chapters written backwards mean they happened prior to where we are now; the number meaning how many days it was ago :)

The city hadn't changed much since he last saw it. 10 years ago. Maybe 70. He couldn't remember.

When you're trained to guide yourself through forests, which never have a predetermined path, you remember.  
Moss grows toward civilization.  
Chrysler building.  
Trees always stay in the same place.  
The armory.  
Don't be fooled by shrubbery.  
Brooklyn.

He saw a bar. Nothing special. The building itself looked skeevy enough; worn out paint & bars set on the windows, smoke pouring out of it.  
He walked in.   
The whole speculation of this was simply for his own leisure, he thought as he sat down. After all, he hadn't had any 'leisure' in 70 years.  
"What'll it be?" The barman asked, turning to see him. "Jesus buddy, you look like hell."  
Bucky didn't speak. He didn't quite grasp the reality yet. The bartender made a honest & meager attempt to get his mind back. "Hey, I got a pretty good trick."  
Bucky looked at him.  
"I can guess what drink anyone drinks, without them saying it. Wanna give it a try? It'll be on the house."  
He remained silent for a while. "....Okay."  
The bartender looked at him for a while, analyzing as Bucky's eyes followed.  
"Mmm...got it." He turned to the back of him, shaking & pouring before setting down a dark brown liquid in a shot glass. "Scotch. On the rocks." He smiled, satisfied.  
Bucky stared at it, a feeling of familiarity washing & coming over him, like the liquid itself.  
"So, I get it right?"  
"...Yeah." The dim light was familiar. The musky smell. All it needed was a little drunken singing.

"So, you ready to follow 'Captain America's into the jaws of death?'

The voice itself was hazy, as if underwater.

"Hell no. That little guy from Brooklyn who was too...dumb not to run away from a fight..."

"...I'm following him." Bucky uttered.  
"What'd you say?"  
He only realized now he'd been talking. His ghosts coming in spectral form.  
....Who was he talking to?  
A sudden migraine like pain came rushing through his brain. He groaned as he closed his eyes.  
"Hey man, you alright?", the bartender asked, worried.  
Bucky was still reeling, the audio of the outside world, reality; it still had not sunk in.  
The bartender eyed him, growing more worried. "Maybe you shouldn't be drinking tha-"  
Bucky put his hand up lightly, shaking his head. He tried to speak, attempting to identify who was speaking. Making sure it wasn't St-  
"I'm fine." He attempted to get up. Some group pushed by him. The bartender spoke of them, seemingly familiar. "....Bunch of idiots."

He had been in this bar before. He near collapsed.  
"Hey, hey." The bartender came to his side. Bucky looking tired & scared.  
"Do you have someplace to stay?"  
Bucky was silent again, still stuck in that limbo.  
"Hey, do you have someplace to stay?"  
He shook his head.  
The bartender looked around. He hesitated slightly before taking him to the back.

It was slightly bigger than the bar. The hall was small, they had to squeeze themselves against the occasional frame adorned walls. A slight red, pulsing neon light echoed through the halls. It calmed him as much as it put him on edge.  
After navigating, they finally got to a small room; it had a modest & small low to the ground bed with a nightstand & a TV crammed to the corner, propped on top of a one drawer table. Bucky was already halfway fading by the time he sat him down.  
"You can stay here, okay?"  
He tried to remember the room before he blacked out. He could swear he said "Thank You." before he slipped into whatever dreams took him.


	16. syaD 55-: Part 2

That's the whole point of dreaming.  
Remembering. Siphoning. Sort thru the degrees of it. Like draining flowers of their intrusions.

"Why are you here?" 

Red hair. Red lips. Red smile.

"Because I won't lea-"

These. These days. He still had them.  
Her eyes, piercing & calming as how he imagined real eyes to be.  
Kisses. Human pleasures not usually allowed, felt good not because they were forbidden. But because they felt human.

He shivered. 

Human.

"Natalia."  
That blank stare. The one that made every fiber in his heart, crumble into a million pieces. He wasn't sure he had a heart before.  
"Do I know you?"  
He felt a tear. Robots can cry.  
Was this how Ste-

The helicarrier. "You know me."  
He did. But he didn't know ho-

Running. Running for everything. He saw a cliff. A shield flew toward him as he caught it. The man across "Bucky. Please."  
But the woman came into view.  
& he tripped, feeling pushes which enraptured him in it's touch. Pushing & pulling his skin, until-

He felt himself mutter as he abruptly woke up.  
The bartender was putting a wet towel atop his forehead.  
"Burning up man...."  
"I'm gonna go get her...save her..."  
The bartender looked at him. "Who?"  
"Her."  
Back to darkness.


	17. Day 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naminé reaches her first hurdle with James; the night it all tumbled down.

Naminé sketched draping long burgundy curtains, lightly playing a dance in the wind that rushed with it.

She looked to the pod. This was the memory of losing Natalia. It was the last that he had, before his mind was even further enveloped in darkness that was inflicted by someone else. Eyes covered by HYDRA's intentions.

She returned.  
She made sure to put just as much thought into this one, as she had previous sketches.  
The bed, small enough for one, & large enough to tease.  
She had not even unpacked & was trying to remain calm when he entered.

Natasha was still in the room, looking straight at the pod, as if knowing what storm was to come.  
This is how you lose her.

Progress at: 49%

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, slight nod to Junot Díaz mixed in there, high-five if you caught it :)


	18. syaD 55-: Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mistakes, memories & a theory

He never used to be put in cryo after every mission. Cryo & wipe, yes. But not all times.

It happened that night.  
After talk after talk in even seedier parts of night. That's the best thing about being a shadow; you can hide underneath it.   
It was there that they had started questioning HYDRA's "freedom for all". They had decided that it was time to break away.  
How sad then, that they forgot the part in all films where they shouldn't slip.

How could he have been reckless?

Winter Soldier had snuck into Natalia's room overnight. Just to see her one more time before she was to be "married" upon which, they would run away, vouching to be security detil for their top asset of the program.   
Nat both loved & hated he came in.  
He hated him now too. God, how he did.  
He clutched the gun as he turned the corner.

They were holding her, knife to her.  
Krychej stood in front of him. "You stupid. Stupid boy."  
Natalia's eyes were as mixed as he was.  
"I did like you." Krychej pointed to her. "& you. But. .......dues must be paid."

No.

He fought against him, punching as hard as he could with his left arm. the first man holding her went to strike, he shot at him before kicking the 2nd, sending him to the ground before taking him next.  
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He said, untying her.  
She kissed him. "Don't ever be."  
They were about to run before 2 shots came from the window.  
Then black.

The next morning, he found himself in his own bed.  
Natalia.  
The clock displayed "11-13-69"  
That's impossible, that was yesterday's date. That can't have been a dream. .....Then again, why wouldn't it be? The careless action of coming in on her Wedding Day, sleeping with her, knowing their plans. It'd be an explanation.

He got up. This point in time, contemplation did nothing but contribute another veil to a truth that was already blurry so all that was left was reality.  
He went to the sparring room but saw her in the hall. "Natalia."  
She turned, slightly surprised. There was something in her eyes. His heart already knew.  
"Do I know you? No one calls names here."  
Something inside him crumbled. A piece he only figured existing by her. Now withered. He tried to fight it. "Nat. ....It's me." He took her hand.  
She looked at him. She scoffed. "Go to the examiner's office." She broke away from him.  
He wanted to wake up now.

"Seen all you needed, Soldier?"  
Zola's voice came behind him. He was too numb to speak. This was all his fault.  
"Take him to the lab." He felt himself be hauled by the arms. She didn't even look back.

They set him on a examination chair.  
Zola sighed. "My dear, dear Soldier."  
He was still numb. Blame upon blame, racking on his head.  
"You wouldn't have been so careless if you didn't act so stupid."  
He looked at him. He tried to get up but restraints were already on his arms.  
Zola looked at him. "That is no way to treat your caregivers."  
He put in gloves. "Now, you cost thousands in training, & hundreds more in equipment.  
"The Widow's mind has already been wiped, as you have seen. & now you will be; & put on ice after every mission. She will also be transferred & cross examinated to ensure you two never meet again." He laughed. "This, Mr. Barnes, is why 'love' is foolish."  
Barnes. ".......What did you say?"  
He pressed buttons.  
"Barnes. James, Barnes."  
Memories began pouring in.  
"But, that is past."  
"No." Natalia. HYDRA's deception. His name. His past. ....Steve. "NOO!!" He tried to rip them, his left arm was strong enough. But the bolts were metal.  
"Those are titanium. They will not break."  
He attempted.  
"Try all you want Barnes. This is the punishment "

A surge. Lights.  
Lights out.

///  
The ripple effect is a theory.  
It's the theory that one act can effect, or add change, to everything around it; often beyond it's reach.  
"Uhhh...."  
Sometimes it's the reeds.  
"A1......65748...2213..."  
He dabbed his forehead.  
The insects in them would be scared, as that is what's wary about it.  
"5729....63152..."  
You can't see under it.

So the insect jumps, or flies off.  
Now, a frog also found itself touched by the ripples. So it too, jumped into the hidden reeds.  
He wasn't sure what was the right thing to do anymore.

If his fever shot up any higher, he'd have to call the hospital. The bartender only took this man because he felt bad for him. & he was worried, inexplicably, what might befall him if he did.  
He had seen the police here. It was a bad part of town. 99% of the life here, when the citizens called the service which was supposed to help them, they ended up being spat back out; by questions & obligatory decrees of "insurance" or, what happened to his friend Markus.   
A bad drink, & a negligence to think of its repercussions because he was too dazzled by the liquid that sparkled within it, resulting in his death.  
Being discarded like waste, not an ounce of justice.  
He held the towel tight. No, he refused to let that happen again.

"6295...324695..."

Now the creature has two options. To remain & be eaten.

He needed a doctor.  
Wait.

Or be saved.

He scrambled for the number.


	19. Day 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James arrives at the second set of his hearts 1st door

James was in light freefall. A darkness that wasn't frightening.

"Naminé?"

"James."

In a flash of light, he slowly came out of the dark freefall. He looked around him.   
The snowy landscape was gone, replaced by sepia hued city buildings beside an asphalt road.  
The buildings were decrepit, but not neglected. It was as if someone had built them but simply stopped. Whether by simple thought recooperation or an extremely over-extended lunch break, he had no idea.

Naminé spoke. "You did it James. You're halfway there.

"....I made it?"  
She smiled while sketching. "You have a strong light James. & your friends add to it."  
He smiled lightly. "Nat. .....She was there; wasn't she?"  
"Yes. She said she wouldn't be leave you."  
He chuckled as he walked. "She shouldn't worry. ....She never left me."

A memory came into Naminé's mind. A smile she had long forgotten. Buried in her own destroyed cities of consequence that she had made for herself. James voice brought her back.  
"The scenery changes with each time?"  
She took a moment to regroup. ".....Yes. Only to help you identify it."  
He nodded.

A door appeared. He stared at it. "...The next set?"  
"Mmhmm." She replied.  
She looked down at her drawing of him arriving to it.  
"Are you ready?"  
He breathed in deeply. "Always."

Progress at: 50%


	20. syaD 55-: Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve, Sam & Maria finally find Bucky with help from a friend; & Steve attempts to overcome the long guilt that had been building up in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've been reading, Thank You; it means more than I can say & I'm grateful :)  
> Hope you're enjoying! :)

" 20...952..7..."  
"Hello?"  
"Jane? You're a doctor, right?"

Jane rushed in. "Patrick, I'm not a 'doctor' doctor. Why are you giving me medic-"  
They ran through the red lights of the hall. "I know, I didn't know who else to call."  
"Where is he?"  
The bartender ran down the stairs & to the room.  
"Dear God."  
When she got there, he'd settled down; instead opting for chills & shivers.  
He was under the extra sheets & blankets for the colder winters.  
"Jesus, Patrick...." she rummaged thru her bag. "He needs a hospital."  
"I know, but he has no ID on him. I checked. He hadn't even said his name."  
The red light was adding but he already looked bad.

His hair was wet & he was pale.  
"Let me see."  
Something in another language, but barely audible. He repeated it again.  
She dropped to her knees, getting her eyelight out.  
His eyelids were sunken. She tried not to shake as she opened one lid.  
"How's the temp?", she asked.  
"108F, the highest"  
He was having REM but unresponsive. She looked more. But those eyes looked so familiar....  
She dropped it.  
"Barnes."

"C-c-can I use your phone?"  
Fingers don't work when you're dialing numbers. Or maybe they don't ever period.  
The phone rang & rang & ran-  
"Steve?...." her voice was low in disbelief. "....I found him."

Maria was there in 4 hours from the States. Bucky had began starting up again by this time. He kept calling her "Natalia" & repeating things in Russian. She made a note of that.  
Steve came in.  
The remnants of SHIELD prepped him quietly.  
He saw him. Jane was attending. "Steve."  
Bucky was back to repeating numbers again as they prepped him.  
Steve looked to Patrick. "You found him?"  
"He walked in. He was having trouble walking & near fainted so I took him to my room here. He-"  
Steve embraced him. "Thank You." The pub owner was surprised. Not only was a "superhero" hugging him, but the one from his Grandfather's picture. Which was held in a frame inside the bar.  
He let go as the pub owner said "It's just caring. I'd do it for anyone."  
Jane smiled, Darcy patting his back.  
"Not many would."  
Patrick gave him a look that said everything. That he would never be just anyone. Captain America's friend; Markus, or a stranger.  
Steve looked at both Jane & Darcy. "& Thank You. ....Both of you." He paused. "I owe-"  
Darcy shook her head. "We didn't do anything. And," she gestured toward Patrick. "what he said."  
Jane embraced him. "I hope he's okay.'  
"Thank You." He nodded to them in silent Thanks as he joined Maria & Sam in the helicopter with Bucky.  
He looked down to them both as they took off, holding onto Jane's words.  
Maria looked at him in sympathy as Sam put his hand on his shoulder.  
He hoped the same.

They arrived at the infirmary, Bucky's current warrant for the destruction of government property & the attempt on Nick Fury's life outlining typical hospital care.  
Sam sat diligently with Steve in the chairs outside. He felt his mind racing & knew it was guilt. He wasn't going to let him walk into it's depths. "How you holding up?" He asked quietly.  
Steve held his hands together, looking down. "Holding."  
His mind was too deep in thoughts of guilt that had been buried for years, now resurfacing for the first time in a long time.

The sheer irony of everything was something that even humour found amusing. Despite all the leads, the searches that took he & Sam to abandoned HYDRA labs & burned safe houses from the Cold War, where the mixture of both Bucky & those responsible to be found nowhere in sight, ended in frustration.  
Whether by subconscious thought or cruel fate, they found him in the first place they should have first searched.

The past. 

The dimly lit places that remained unchanged by the evermoving palms of time. This included the bar, where the soldiers of the 107th celebrated their rescue all those years ago. & in the back room, Bucky.

& Sam. Who had willingly given up his job at the VA just to help.  
He told Steve he had left it in very capable hands, & that he was always there for those in the meetings, outside of it.  
But Steve couldn't help but feel guilty.  
He saw how Sam spoke to those soldiers; the baggage they carried & his beyond valiant efforts to lessen it, which often proved successful, were inspiring. & a shining example of how selfless he was.  
& he had not only dragged him away from that, but his home, his friends.  
Only to have him see the seediest parts of the country & others.  
It made him not only in awares of how much he owed him, but how grateful he was to have him as a friend.  
Steve spoke. "Thank You....for staying."  
Sam looked at him. "Cap, you were looking for your friend. & friends help friends."  
"This isn't your battle though. I've asked a lot of-"  
"Rogers." He looked to him, his sincerity filled with clarity. "If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be."  
He remained quiet for a while."Thank You Sam."

Sam looked behind Steve. "Well....this is interesting..."  
He looked to Sam's eyeline. He understood why, a serious surprise falling on his features. Fury was walking toward them, taking a seat in silence. "Why do you both look surprised?" He suddenly said.  
"I thought you were laying low." Sam responded.  
Fury's expression was that of seemingly regret. "You know...too often...we can put ourselves before what matters." He paused. "He damn near killed me but...I feel I'm partially responsible for his current state." He then looked to Steve, saying simply. "I'm glad you found him."  
Steve was surprised. "Thank You."  
He tried not to stray back into routine.  
After the reassurance from Sam, the weight was lessened. But 70 years of not sleeping, drinking & eating. 70 years of somehow accepted torture. 70 years of memories, collapsed.  
If he had moved faster. If he had told Stark to scan the ravine after reporting back to base. If he-  
"You know....Stark was looking for a ship." Fury said.  
"You, yes. But not ever alive, Steve."  
"But I di-"  
"You did everything you could. Barnes didn't tell you everything that happened to him, & his troop because you're his brother. & brothers protect each other.  
".....Don't blame yourself. It isn't your fault. & he'll agree."  
Steve looked at him. "Thanks Nick."  
"I have to debrief Maria." He shook his hand. "By the way....talking helps." Fury's footfalls echoed lightly as he proceeded down the hall.  
Steve got up. "....I'm going in."  
Sam looked to Steve. "...Good Luck."  
He nodded as he entered the room.

He opened the door. His left arm was clean, the red star still on it. He was cleaned up a bit & his heart rate was steadied.  
Steve took a seat & sat it next to the bed. There was danger. The staff warned him previously not to go in as he was prone to outbursts. From the break & his own memories. It had happened earlier, thinking he was going to get tortured again. He was partly grateful he didn't see it.  
"Bucky. God."  
He looked at him. He wanted to be switched. The helicarrier & that lost, punished look in his eyes replayed like a worn videotape in his mind. It made his stomach wrench.

Fury, & the nurse earlier, said that he could hear him. He strayed away from the negative.  
In that same thought, then he could feel. & he would have time.  
Bucky remained sleeping.  
He thought of what to say. & like air rising softly, a memory came by itself.  
He chuckled lightly. "Do you remember that time we were determined to build a treehouse?" He waited. "In Brooklyn. Remember my parents face when we said our master plan?  
"Man, we got the wood, from Mr. Garbanzo, posts & the nails from the street. I brought the wagon, & right when we were building it; I had an asthma attack. ....You called for help, & ran, all the way back to my house for the inhaler.  
"& when you came back, I was up." He gently smiled. "Ms. Smitherza said I had just inhaled some wood dust, & I needed water."  
Bucky opened his eyes.  
Steve was trying not to cry. "We laughed for hours. Because you were so worried."  
Moonlight guided.  
"I remember."  
He looked up. "Buck."  
He gently smiled. "Hey punk."


	21. Day 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naminé enjoys James's memories of his life in Brooklyn as the memory of today is one he had always treasured.

Memories have a scent to them.

She thought only she knew this, some odd secret that was created in her. But Riku confirmed this.

James's memories of this time had a comforting scent to them. Like an old picture that had been taken care of, or a tin box lined with such precious things.  
She smiled sketching these, as they were sweet. This portion belonged to Steve. & she left this for last. Hoping it would be enough before the second door.

Still, James was so strong. & this box held only kind things within it.

Steve was sitting on the bench of the curio shop, some peas from the delicatessen across the street sitting on his right eye.  
"If you wanted to cook peas, you could've just asked me."  
Steve remained silent.  
"Lemme see." He sat next to him, attempting to get the peas. Steve remained holding onto them.  
He looked at him. "You're not planning to walk around all day with that. You'll embarrass us both. & honestly, I don't want handouts anymore from the grocer."  
He tried again, Steve allowing him. "Buck, it's nothing."  
A mean, & fresh purple coloring surrounded it; as if someone with complex paints put it to a telescope & told him to stick his eye in there.  
That would be the acceptable solution. & not the typical.  
"God Steve." He put the peas back on. Steve held the bag in his defeated hands.

This was the city. It didn't pause for your problems, nor did it warrant any care. Unless you knew the owners; who would then give you refrigerated or frozen vegetables for your stupidity.

He looked at Steve. His short blond hair tussled & his clothes, though modestly attempted to be fixed, were messed & creased. "....You can't save everyone, Steve."  
His gaze was to the sidewalk but Steve's voice at that moment could have answered the Heavens in his defiance, & make It question It's own sick conjectures. "...They were picking on Mrs. Gleason." The peas made a light sound as he gripped it. "....Took her cane."  
Bucky couldn't tell whether to give him a pat on the back, or scold him.

Mrs. Gleason had polio. Bad. & all she could manage with was a cane.

The cars buzzed by.  
"S-"  
Before Bucky could finish, Steve spoke. "I'm not stupid" He paused. "I know I can't save everyone. I can't fight either. ....But I can't just watch & turn a blind eye Bucky."  
Bucky looked at him.  
"....People are supposed to help other people out. That's humanity."  
& that's when he was reminded; he didn't care to win those fights. He didn't want to fight. He just wanted to take care of people.  
Bucky put his arm around him.

& it was then that he reminder himself how Thankful he was to have this scrawny, stupid, valiant kid, with a heart bigger than the horizon as his friend.

He stood up, putting his hand on his shoulder. "C'mon. I'll make you soup. Lord knows we got enough peas."

Progress at: 53%


	22. Day 20

Day 20:

Steve & Bucky grinned, enjoying the fruits of their labour.  
For weeks, they had saved up; buying groceries after school & doubling their route on weekends, to buy 2 ice cream cones at Mr. Hoppers Store.  
For 5¢ each, they would buy the groceries & cart it to them, free of delivery charge. Initially, they did the calculations & it would take them a month & a week (just in time before the school break ended), but they reached it sooner than expected, with tips that were unexpected. Especially from the more older ladies & men, who couldn't get around too well to do them.  
For Bucky & Steve, they refused tips from them as it wasn't necessary, a lot of the times, bolting before they could give the money to them.  
For as much as they wanted to get their reward quicker, this wasn't just for that. It was for doing something nice. & for that alone, it made them feel better than the reward.  
They did the same to the mothers, single parents & those down on their luck.  
This then left an exclusive audience of girls & suitors, of which, they never expected anything from. But proved wrong, they were given tips at times; mostly unexpected, but always appreciated.  
Ms. Smith down the road went on a date because of them, with Mr. Flotts, owner of the Florist store down the road, next to the grocer.

So after 3 long weeks, they finally had it.  
They took the jar of coins, displaying it to the owner & saying "Sir, we'd like 2 ice cream cones, please!"  
Initially, the parlor man politely refused, making the excuse that entrepreneurs eat free.  
But they were insistent, saying Thank You but that they had bought roughly 28 tomato sauce cans for this & they wanted to see the jar empty.  
The parlorman seemingly understood & though every fiber screamed at him not to, took it (Bucky found out much later on his own that he kept the jar in his office, along with the coins).  
"Vanilla please!" Steve said.  
"Chocolate for me!"  
If he couldn't give them ice cream for free, then he could give them double scoops for free.  
Upon giving it to them, he shook his head & simply smiled before wiping down the counter.

The level of steps & precaution taken would be enough to make a traffic cop applaud. They didn't spill a drop & licked them before they fell to the floor.

Steve looked to Bucky after they had finished.  
".....A sundae for next month?"  
"Bet I'll get it first."  
"You can't keep using your charm face!!"

Naminé smiled. 4 friends sharing seasalt ice cream. She wished she could have been there.  
With Rox-

Progress at: 58%

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :) <3


	23. Day 23

James' memories were quicker.

& she knew it was simply by Steve being there & the comforting familiarity of it.  
She was glad, as she never had doubts. 

His friends strengthened the bonds with each passing memory.  
The same was true of Natalia's part; which was large. Asserting his memories & giving him a confidence he needed to regain comfort. Which is what his time in Brooklyn was; a familiar song he only could remember pieces of, the tune always dormant in his mind.  
This was the simple & true nature of a memory. Once written, it can never truly be erased, or rewritten.  
Like a box in an endless attic, it remained; the layer of dust from whatever accumulation of years the only thing stopping it.

She remembered Valor once telling her of a rule she had read earlier that day in the library.  
What applies to one, in some way, applies to all.  
How badly she wished that to be true.  
That she could recover her memories the same way she had recovered Valor's, & now, James.  
...But it wasn't. & never could be.  
For she still couldn't remember the boy, or Riku's friend of which, he was a part of, somehow. She couldn't even remember why, or how. The tune was in her head, but she could not hear. Though she could compose others with absolute fluidity.  
Valor knew this & one time, hoped to boost her unreadably decreasing hope by telling her this.  
She appreciated the gesture but knew this curse was unliftable. & was slowly eating away at her. By-

Steve entered the room.  
She shook off the thought.

If she couldn't remember, then at least she could at least find some level of peace by helping someone else. & that for now, was all the sanctuary she was allowed to wait in. & she would wait happily. For as long as it might take.


	24. Day 26

"There." Bucky said, dragging the sheets onto the floor.

They were laying on the floor of Steve's house.

They took a old sheet from the back room, draped it on two chairs & poked some holes into it.  
Steve stood the flashlight upright, letting the light reflect seeming stars on the ceiling.  
They settled outside of the fort so they could see.  
They made it for a school project, tracing constellations. But the idea was too fun that they kept it.

"Hey look, Leo!" He said in pretend awe.  
"& the Three Sisters, don't forget!" Bucky said.  
"Hey Buck."  
"Yeah Steve?"  
"What do you think stars actually look like?"  
Living in New York, this was an impossibility; the excuse being that they had their own belts & constellations here. The Nebulas the boroughs, & comet tails; the innumerable streets & all their gold & dust.  
Stars don't have squalor though; or forgotten stars that exist only because they have to. Because what is a star if not its heart?  
We are all stars, so how is it NY's seemingly mirrored astrid belts had so many forgotten? So many burned out black holes?

"...Well, they're giant balls of gas. So they have to be bright. ....Maybe they're bright enough in some places that they shine down to the ground, like little bulbs, you know?"  
Steve thought too. "Yeah...Maybe they twinkle. Like the chandelier in the ice cream parlor, the one with the draping ones?"

They started to grow tired as the night proceeded without their knowledge of what lay beyond 9:30pm.  
"Wouldn't it be cool?" Steve said sleepily, rubbing one eye. "To carry one with you?"  
Bucky agreed, yawning. "Mmhmm. Or have one on your arm like Hercules."  
They fell asleep to these thoughts, as the flashlight's batteries remained as long as the night stretched, fading at first light.

Progress at: 61%


	25. Day 29

"Oh come on Steve!"  
"Bucky."

They were on the Brooklyn pier, in it's full primetime sparkle.  
The argument tonight was that Steve should ask the pretty girl in polka dot formal. Talk to her, at least.  
He was shy though, Bucky could tell. The latter was always amazing when it came to opposite attraction. He tried teaching Steve but he protested that it wasn't "his area of expertise".  
Bucky sighed. "Steve, you're not calculating aircraft, for God's sake." He argued.  
"Yeah but what if-"  
He grew quite tired of this dance, pushing him to her.  
In his surprise, she smiled.  
Bucky sighed "Hello."  
"Hi." She replied, looking at Steve.  
Steve looked scared.  
Bucky tried covering for him. "My friend here thinks I'm a horrible liar & that the bumper cars are by the west end. Could you be a doll & show him as my girlfriend is waiting over there & I-"  
"Hey Margaret!" A man came over. Her head turned but remained on Steve as her look turned to sadness.  
Bucky's face dropped as Steve's heart sank.  
"The movie's gonna start."  
The black haired girl remained looking at Steve.  
The man, who wore a jockey uniform looked to them both."Anything wrong here?"  
She shook her head. "No...no. It's all good Billy."  
She began walking as 'Billy', took her hand. As she did, she quickly took a look back as her eyes said sorry.

Bucky put his arm around his friend. "....I'm sorry Steve."  
"Don't be, I knew it sounded too good."  
Bucky smiled sadly. "Don't worry man, we'll find her."  
They began walking. "Buck."  
Steve smiled. "Thanks."  
He smiled back. "Don't sweat it." He nudged him. "& next time, tell her how beautiful her eyes are, alright? They love that."  
They began walking as Steve began to turn, taking his regular route home.  
"Hey!" He turned.  
"....You wanna listen to the baseball game at my place? My Mom's at some, equal rights dinner & I got no one to cheer with."  
"I won't be raining on your parade?"  
Bucky pretended to think. "Nah. I think you'd help actually."  
The wind blew softly as the Ferris Wheel remained turning.  
Steve smiled. Even when he had nothing, he had Bucky.  
He walked toward him & they began the walk to his place.

Progress at: 64%


	26. Day 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky shows his stars as he gives Steve a piece

Bucky skipped stones across the still grey water, another following it.  
They imagined the immense mini lake from the burst hydrant as a lake, skipping flat stones to watch as they hopped.  
This was how Bucky hoped to take Steve's mind off today. His Father had just passed.  
The whole neighborhood came for the small service, whatever they kept aside.  
He chose stones as they would be a distraction from the ringing church bells. He knew it probably wasn't necessary. 

Skip.

Like the stones they were throwing, Steve was seemingly child's play compared to the other hardened stones of Brooklyn. Those who had spikes & crevices from different places, showing their scars.  
Different even from the cement residue that fell from the endless skyscrapers that, though showing the wonders of the human mind, & hand, took away from the lights it tried to scrape. Perhaps, successfully as there were none in New York to ever be seen.  
But though he didn't have hard edges, or rounded craters, or even chalk residue from the towering astral stealers, he was tough.

Skip.

Steve was a year younger than he was, Steve could stand up & hold his own, faithful to the end. Skipping stones never broke, came apart or fell. Because they were strengthened by what they could do for others. & it was in that power that it made them better.

Steve had run out of stones from his collection, Bucky handed him his last one, pretending he has another.  
Steve looked to him. "...Thanks Buck." He threw it, 4 skips coming out of it.  
However, all stones are prone to chips. & Steve was showing some. Bucky embraced him.  
Steve began to softly cry. The bells continued to toll as the two boys stood there, the other trying to keep his cracks together.  
Steve pulled away ay he wiped his nose on his sleeve, silently sniffing.  
Bucky took something out of his pocket. "Hey."  
Steve turned to him. "W-what's that?" He asked.  
Bucky replied. "You know how your Dad was into space?"  
Steve nodded.  
"Well, my Dad pulled some strings with some old friends of his and...." He opened up his hand. In it was a small, ragged rock.  
"What is it?" Steve asked.  
"....My Dad said it's from a meteorite landing site they found. When the investigators came over, his friends grabbed a piece before they saw."  
Steve took it carefully, holding it gently.  
"Funny enough, one of his friends was your Dad. He lost his piece that day. They searched the cabin where they stayed & found it. That way, you can look up to the stars with him."  
"Buck..." Steve embraced Bucky again. ".....Thank You."

They still had some stars.

 

Naminé wiped a tear as she finished. She hoped she could be as noble. ....She hoped he knew he was.  
& the nobility was evidence enough he could do it. The second door approached.

Progress at: 65%

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay; I hit a writing block, rewriting a flashback scene 7x (O_O) when I realized that love conquers trials :)  
> This probably isn't canon, but I loved writing it :')


	27. Day 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :) & to all reading, even stopping by, I can never say Thanks enough <3

Day 31:

Steve sat in, occasionally looking up but otherwise silent, sitting & looking at the pod.

This was it. The last memory of this era. & like the last leaves on a autumn tree, she wanted to help end it with something bright.

She looked up, saying simply "Tell me how you & James met.", her voice connotating a smile.  
Steve played with a small ball, she saw a chuckle from underneath his blue baseball hat. "It was coincidence, really."

2 boys at school.  
A brunette boy was running late, his alarm having gone off late.  
This was the first day, his feet hitting the pavement. He reached the steps, he wasn't about to be tardy this time around.

In a manner anyone would be proud of, he ran in; skidding past halls, making turns harder than any Dodgers player ever had.  
"Classroom 5", the frosted glass said. "YES!" He shouted.  
He cleared his throat as he opened the door.  
"Ah, Mr. Barnes! Perfectly on time." She held his shoulders, escorting him further in. He stood beaming. "Class, we have a new student today! This is Mr. James Barnes! Let's say hello!"  
The class said the obligatory hello & he went to a seat near the window, as all the seats were taken. He sat down, feeling proud, though a quite nagging feeling was on his mind.  
"Now class, let's open our pages to Page 94!"

James face dropped. No.  
He scrambled. He forgot his bag.  
Which had all his books.  
"Oh no.." He said. This was it. First day, marred. He began to lift his hand, fearing what the teacher would say.

Then suddenly, the boy beside him handed him his book.  
"It's okay, you can have mine."  
James looked. The boy was quite skinny & had sandy hair, with brilliant blue eyes.  
"Are you sure?..."  
The boy nodded "I'm pretty good at History." He extended his hand. "I"m Steve."  
He put his hand out. "Bucky."

Steve's eyes got a little brighter. "We were hard to find apart afterward.... He looked after me after that..." He looked at Naminé. "He remembered that?"  
"The people who he remembers..." she put her hand to her heart. Or, where it would be; she tried to hide her sadness. "He feels. & it helps." She extended her Sketchbook, allowing Steve if he wanted to see.  
He peered, staring for a long time. He smiled. He never forgot.

Progress at: 68%


	28. Day 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James stands in front of the second door, choosing if he would rather remain in the memories or stand & fight for the reality that lay waiting for him outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank You as always for stopping by & taking a moment to read a bit :')

James stood before the door of his 1st of memories.  
This was it. The last solace before the pain of the next set.

Naminé spoke. "Ready for the next chapter?"

He thought for a moment how big his book was. With frayed & torn pages; pieces missing from the war of his heart & mind that was kept under restraints for so long. A length of time that surpassed even the latter's rules.  
He thought about Steve, Natalia. The selfish temptation of staying behind & reliving the feeling that these memories gave.

.....But he threw it away, almost the instant it came into his already tangled mind.  
Steve had made sacrifices. He lost the love of his life; & his own. Forced & thrust into a period he didn't even know he'd make it to.  
& Nat.

Nat..

If there was one book, in a library of billions where most pages were whole, sentences missing no letters & a small percentage that could find their match, she was it. The missing pages to his ripped & shredded casing. Where some of the parts were scratched out into an oblivion even he didn't understand. & she didn't mind. She continued to read him like he was the best book in the world. Never drawing the slightest bit of attention to the discontinuity or skips.  
& she was a book that was so beautiful, he could never think he'd be so blessed to hold.

He stepped forward. They were all not without these flaws. They had all made sacrifices that scalded their very being. But it was okay. Because no matter what came, the payoff was in front of them.  
The simple, & overlooker ability to live.

"I'm ready."

Progress at: 69%

Progress:


	29. Day 33½

The light at the Station remained calm. The warm reds evenly matched by the bright one in the darkness above. Like a flashlight held by someone to guide through the haziness.  
He looked at the remaining segments of his memories.  
The dark green of the first was reminiscent of the military flaps on a tent he had grown so used to. Cloths that induced a brief calm amongst the calamity that they fought outside. & the second door. A silver that was sleek as the light, a worn but annoyingly not faded red star bracing it.  
"What's this one?" He asked, looking at it.  
"Search your mind." She replied.  
He closed his eyes. & knew immediately that the battle lay in that last door. Every piece that would sting, burn & hurt was in there.  
He reached for the 1st door. & he couldn't go into war without a suit.

Naminé smiled. "Great choice James."

Progress at: 72%


	30. Day 34

Naminé always the first memory to be the most difficult.

It was the dictating point at which all the other memories would be judged by.  
The words on a paper before the writer types the story. The first color a paintbrush touches before it's Creator forms the undupicated picture on a canvas.  
The image that a photographer chooses as the first picture on the roll of film it will be captured onto.

The responsibility of it weighed on her mind. Many times, it would be the thing she dwelled on as most times, it was not the chronological order that mattered.  
In the unknown depths of the heart, feeling held the maestro's baton, as it deserved. She wished all things were like this. That feeling could guide the universe.

She had an idea as she began to draw. She hoped she picked the right color.


	31. Day 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets his papers & decides that no one else should. At least....even just for now.

It's funny how a few words can change your life.

How a few sentences, typed by a hand that he wondered if they even knew the weight of, can change the gravitational pull of the world.

He had gotten his draft letter, to report to the camp on Monday by 0300. The letter could have spoken out loud & he still couldn't believe it. He wasn't naive or ignorant to ever even think that he wouldn't get it.  
He had just hoped he never would.  
Rebecca & Steve came into the room. He put it away.  
He took Rebecca into his arms. "Hey pistachio, had fun at the zoo with Steve?"  
She nodded. He looked into her smile & eyes.  
"Buh-Buh, can you play a song?"  
"Of course."  
"Stevie, you wanna dance?", she asked.  
He looked to Bucky. "Umm...I...I can't dance really well Rebecca."  
"Oh come on Steve, she's the World's best dancer, you wouldn't mind teaching Steve, would ya?"  
She shook her head as Bucky sat at the piano.

He couldn't tell them, & he wouldn't. Inevitably, he would have to.  
But for now, even just for one day; the letter, the war, the people & lives pulled into it didn't exist. If he could keep another universe from needlessly moving, he would do it, typed letters be damned.

Buck."  
"Come on Steve, she ain't gonna bite!"  
The little girl stood in her favorite teatime dress, white chiffon, grinning cutely.  
"Come on Steve." She said.  
He sighed, taking her hands. "Now, left, right, right le- there ya go!"

Naminé smiled at this memory. Yes, it wasn't hers. But she loved it all the same. & that James could now remember.

She still struggled. She found solace in helping the Nobodies which had more heart than the lower form.  
Larna, who found ease tracing.  
Steff, who likened planting in the modest garden theraputic & Valor, who organized the books. She had also graduated as her trusted #2. She hated numbers though so she let her know simply, should anything ever happen, the responsibility fell on her. She had initially refused but took it after much coercion from Naminé.

These were the closest she could get.

James was laughing with Steve. "You're slow Steve!" The girl said.

She drew this scene.

The scene began to fade.  
James landed back on the road. He smiled quietly before stopping. "Hey. Naminé?"  
She was taken off guard. "Yes?"  
He paused, looking toward the starry night of his mind. "....Thank You."  
She smiled. "You're welcome."  
He continued to the next dream.

Progress at: 74%


	32. syaD 22-

The blue glow of sunrise hit the window as it began to come up.

He didn't bother to look at the time as he stared ahead; like a lost voyager just searching for home.  
The nightmares & dreamscapes had grown more vivid, & he could do nothing to stop it.

The resulting weeks after SHIELD found & rescued him, Maria Hill had approached Bucky with an offer.  
She pushed a folder toward him.  
".....What is this?" He asked with trepadation.  
"Open it."  
He did so gently, looking through it. It was his file. Russian writing adorning most of the page, black bars that forever held secrets dripping in a stuck out page. His breathing grew slightly faster as he read it.  
He had been wiped (he didn't want to read the amount, not now at least, lest he relapse into another breakdown), put into cryo (he skimmed the missions, but refused to take them in for the same reason) & trained further than his basic WWII knowledge. He wanted to throw it out the window as much as he wanted to read it.  
Hill seemed to feel him. "Barnes."  
He stopped looking, his eyes remaining on the file but not reading. He couldn't take it in.  
She swallowed, the question stuck in her throat as each word felt more wrong leaving her lips. "......The file is full of HYDRA intel. Things we need to take down whatever's left. We were all in the same boat & they're as decimated as we are."  
She paused, that feeling again. She didn't know Barnes personally but that hell.... It shuddered her, as no one should have to go through that. "But the parts we could use ar-"  
"Blacked out." Bucky has finished the sentence. He had already knew.  
"Yes. ......Then you already know what I'm going to ask."  
The moments leading up to his reply felt nothing short of 2 eternities as the pit in her stomach grew. She was hard, but she wasn't heartless, & to ask this of him was nothing short of that. To ravage through the trenches of his mind to get to the very thing that had caused him to be here.  
"I'm sorry. ....But I don't remember." He clenched his fist lightly. "I-I've been trying. But it doesn't come.... Not the way I'd like." Nightmares.  
"Agent Romanoff suggested a way."  
The name alone made his stomach flip in calmness, though he still couldn't pinpoint why.  
"It's a form of induced hypnosis called regression therapy. I'll be in the room with you as someone guides you through."  
"Through my memories?" Bucky asked warily. He never told anyone about them. It was why he had moved around when sleeping, so no one else would hear him if the realms of his subconscious dripped into reality. Especially Steve.  
"Yes. Bucky," Bucky was surprised at her using it. "...the fact I'm here asking you..." She gritted her teeth slightly. "I know it's all sorts of wrong." She looked into his eyes. "But if you want to get the bastards who did this as much as we do; then you have to understand why I'm here now."  
Bucky did understand & had appreciated the level of care Hill was asking it with.  
"Will Steve be there?"  
The question was asked abruptly, & Hill didn't know how to exactly respond. ".....I...I don't understan-"  
"I'll do it." Maria was surprised. The answer had once again been abrupt & she was beyond grateful.  
"As long as Steve isn't there. .....I'll do it."

If there was anyone he could protect from seeing the inner parts of his mind, it would be the one person he had always been determined to protect. & willing to.

"You're sure." Hill said, rge confirming.  
Bucky looked hard at the file before sweeping it back to her. "....Yeah."

& it began. Day after day of reviiration with results varying from panic to precision.

& through it all, he had gritted his teeth & willingly taken it, as it was his duty. To his trangressions (he had no care for what they said, it was him; it was his hands), & to his friends. To help to aid them in finding the monsters that did it, & prevent them from ever causing it to anyone.

He took it just as he did back in Austria. Silent, unwavering. & as he saw the dawn again for the 10th time in 2 weeks, he hoped it was helping. & he would continue wandering into the night until he could.  
& as Steve watched Bucky, the anger in his chest welled as he realized that he had to find another way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge apologies for the delay in posting; I won't abandon this story as there's a lot more coming & as always, Thank You x100000 for reading & your patience :')  
> Please drop a comment if you're enjoying & hope you all have an awesome week/weekend :)


	33. Day 35

He stuffed a few precious things into his duffel.

He had tried his hardest to not allow the dark thoughts of war into his mind.  
Like Uncle Alfred who hadn't come home. Sgt Cpl. 3rd Batallion.  
Or Cpt Farrelly, his great great grandfather. Things in his line seemed to have a penchant for skipping. Like a stone always missing; just by that one inch leeway.

So he took things he would need to give back. To ensure he'd be coming home.  
The amount of things from his Mom, Father & sister were precious. The first bracelet she received as a gift from his Father. His Father's naval binoculars.  
His little sister came walking up. He scooped her up into his arms, the way he only could. He then carried her. "& what did you get me, kiddo?"  
She held a drawing. Him in his suit & her, holding stick figure hands. He looked at her tired eyes, & could tell she had stayed up all night. "This is you & me; I used my favorite crayon so you have to bring it back." He kissed her. The only girl for him. He set her down, kneeling. "I promise."  
"Cwoss your heart?"  
He did so. "Absolutely."  
She had looked sad. He scanned her. He took her hands. "Hey, come on, you get the last dance."  
She had always loved that.

These, not only were kept in his bag, but his mind.  
Steve wasn't able to see him off, so he took what he could. He laughed. Not at the nostalgia of it, but what it reminded him of.  
That some little punk; scrawny & resilient against schoolyard bullies, didn't care if he got beat up. Asthmatic & anemic, he tried out anyway. Not to prove anything. But because he wanted to fight for the weak.  
"......I'll be back punk."  
He tucked a declined service paper for Steve from Brooklyn, NY in the same pocket as his sister's drawing.

8am. Time to get going.  
& he'd be back. He promised.

Progress at: 77%


	34. Day 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky arrives to England, hoping that he'll be back to see it again, with everyone he left behind.

2nd night in England.

The ships were coming to get them tomorrow. & he was writing letters to his parents, Rebecca & Steve. They were short, just chronicling how strange the air was here. The fog was heavy, the food was nice & Big Ben was amazing.  
He walked outside for a moment, taking in the sights. How he wished they could see this; the architecture, the people...

It was a mere distraction before the reality hit. That this was the last eye before the storm & after it, there would be no such subtle reliefs.  
No more foggy air, historic scents or cobbled streets. No more old glowing streetlamps & a city that took it's time to grow.  
After tomorrow, it would be what he imagined the horrors of war to be & what he was trained for.  
Grey smoke from grenades, explosions & the smell of gunfire. The sharp ground & dirt paths lit only by the soft glow of moonlight or blazing sunlight.  
Their job being to protect as many people as they could from the evils of men who so much as dared to call themselves leaders, & willing to give their lives to make sure their "growth", was stopped.

Dernier slapped his hand onto Bucky's right shoulder. "Ready, mate?"  
He swallowed, the potential fear sitting there. He was grateful to have met some good men from his infantry to help ease the load.  
Dum-Dum came up. "We'll be back. I'm not letting some bastard take my kid away from me."  
Falsworth came from another direction. "Hell no. Me, I'm fighting for my wife." He turned to James. "How about you Bucky? Who you fighting for?"  
His family & Steve flashed before his eyes. Rebecca & her eyes as he said he'd be back.  
He looked one last time at the eye. "My family."  
Suddenly, he was glad they weren't here. He made a note he would come back here with them after.  
Dernier held his shoulder. "Then....we'll be back boys."

Progress at: 79%

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TY so much again to anyone who is following & reading; I wanted to include the Howling Commandos here & hopefully did them justice :')
> 
> Thanks for stopping by & have a great day!


	35. Day 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky lets his garden grow in the best of ways

He spoke French.

This was new to him. How many more languages did he know? He learnt new things daily, just as one would relearn how to ride a bike.  
It was slightly odd as he knew all of it already. It was just locked away somewhere. & inch by inch, the lock was waiting to be opened.

He spoke sweet French.

He was talking to a small girl, not older than 6.  
"You remind me of someone I got back home." He said gently.  
"Me?" She said.  
"Yes!" He handed her a small flower. "To see a bloom is always nice sometimes when all you see is destroyed gardens." He said, not expecting her to understand.  
She shook her head. "I like flowers because they can always grow back. My Mom says that beautiful things can never go away. Because there's always beautiful things.'  
He pinched her cheeks lightly. "I guess that's why your name's perfect."  
She smiled.  
"Belle!" Her Mom called. She picked her up as Bucky got up. " Her eyes were the deepest shade of blue he had ever seen.  
"Ma'am." He said modestly.  
She smiled sadly. He already knew what that meant. He wanted to embrace her & her girl. Instead, she stretched out her hand. "Thank You."  
He shook it firm & soft. Attempting everything to tell her how sorry he was. & that he should be Thanking her for continuing. For raising one of the millions of reasons they fought.  
They walked back, Belle waving goodbye as she exclaimed excitedly how she told him the Flower story. "I forgot some parts though, I think.." she said.

He smiled back to base. It propelled him further to fight. Until the garden could grow once more.

Naminé loved this memory.

Progress at: 82%


	36. Day 41- Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Battle of Azzano begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone who has been taking the time to read this, or even just lightly peruse; Thank You so muck   
> Seriously, it's greatly appreciated & you rock :)

Mortars exploded as guns propelled.

The hoarde was endless, every blue light a stark reminder.  
Through it all, Bucky remained strong. Evenn as his commanding officer vanished, whether taken or AWOL & leaving Bucky as the head.  
He ran & leaped into the trench where he knew Falsworth was covering their now dwindling asses. He had seen everything.  
"There's got to be at least 5 more companies out there!"  
"We're going to beat them, tell them we need more cover!!"  
Dum-Dum then came in, still valiantly holding the radio box having gone back some 35ft in the middle of hot fighting for it. It was a shot & smoking mess, useless beyond any saving. "That might be tough." He said.  
"Bucky, behind you!!" They fired  
Bucky noticed the oncoming companies. "Here they come!"  
He readied himself, he wouldn't be leaving. He would die, but not without a fight.  
Blue lights suddenly engulfed the members if the opposition companies. One by one, they simply vanished as the blue light left.  
The ground was quiet as it had been before, no hint or indication that 5, let alone any, companies were ever there.  
Shouts erupted from early soldiers as they all 3 emerged from their hole. Stark's new weaponry?  
No, they would've been informed.

More blue shots fired at the hill, feeling more ominously as warning shots.  
The smoke became pierced by 2 tanks which were never seen before.  
Falsworth's hope slowly became diminished with confusion. "...."  
Bucky looked at them, the feeling in his stomach growing. The tanks pointed to them.

One hell was simply destroyed by another. Just like the old myth from Greek history. Cut off one head, and two more will take it's place.

It hummed as it readied to fire.  
"Duck!!!"

Progress at: 84%


	37. Day 41- Part 2

Naminé worried.

James progress was going steady, at a speed which was to be expected. But it was starting to slow, just so precariously.

Nat was in the room today, twiddling with a letter. She hadn't come in in a while & Naminé was glad she had arrived. She had let Nat always start the first word, sometimes breaking the ice by asking a random question which would spark James' energy, which he could use.  
Today was a strange exception, bringing up the exact trouble that was delaying him, their wavelengths seeming to touch on unconscious levels.

"You know....there's a file on him." She said as she looked down.  
Naminé remained silent.  
"..In it, it's mostly....very descriptive instructions & detail on his memory at the time. His behavior." Her hand tightened slightly. "...Those asses even got a hold of his personal SHIELD file. Did you know that?"  
"....No." she said.  
She lightly scoffed politely. "I had rummaged. Looked where I shouldn't be 500ft from & it was worth it. .....He didn't ever say one thing about Azzano. Pleaded the God-awful fifth & stated he remembered nothing. Which was a lie at it's very core, otherwise they wouldn't have tried what they did by erasing his memories." A tear fell softly. "Azzano was the start of everything."

Naminé begaan to draw softly. "If it was," she replied. "...Then you know that you're one of the lights that will guide him out of it. & that you have to remain bright. Because he's going to come back."

Nat sat there for a moment. If she was going to see him again, she had to help guide him home. & she would.


	38. Day 42- Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky expects the end as he & the captured are held prisoner by HYDRA

Bucky expected this to be the end as they were boarded into trucks & holding rooms inside the tanks.  
Still, he never showed it. No one dare spoke, too lost in the reality of what had just happened. Men get captured all the time. When it happens to you though, you finally understand the breadth of what that means.

This went on for days, by how Bucky could tell. At night, they were forced to lay on the bare ground with their hands tied behind their backs & sleep.  
Normally, he wouldn't expect this. Why hostages needed to rest was something that already prohibited this very act; it made his blood lightly crawl. Not for his sake, but his men's.

The trucks finally stopped as officers began shouting in German. They barked at the men as they pushed their guns into their skin, some cried while others held an anger so prominent, he imagined that it was what those blue lasers felt like.

The days went by, & they suddenly realized why they were kept alive. The base was massive, housing weapons that were operated by the seemingly same power source as the tank. Even under the state they were in, Bucky could tell the designs were far ahead of what Stark had ever envisioned. The thought made his spine go cold.  
They were kept in small cages, witnessing others be sheparded out & come back indifferent men; hollow eyes & too cold to be saved. They were one cage away from this fate.

Escaping was an option that was impossible. Quadro & Neese did, & resulted in their entire cage to disappear in a wrenching blue flash that left Bucky even more angered.  
The others were picked by an apparent random & cruel order & taken to what a half German soldier said was "The Isolation Ward".  
One by one, they left. & they never came back.  
Some were panicking, others handled it with quiet dignity.  
But as Sargeant, it was his duty to prevent anymore from falling victim to whatever they were doing.  
"Hey. Lardface."  
Dernier's look changed. "Bucky-"  
"HEY!!! DID YOU NOT HEAR ME, YOU PIECE OF-"  
A shock erupted throughout Bucky's core.  
A guard spit on him as he muttered something.  
"Don't be an idiot, what in the blazes are you do-"  
He forced himself to get up, the guard surprised. He managed a short chuckle. "You seem to be deaf."  
The guard suddenly burst into rage, opening the door.  
A more taller, foreboding man came into view as he shouted.  
They spoke in German.  
"Herr Schmidt."  
The man stayed at his distance. "Did I not say that we need the prisoners to work?"  
"Y-y-yes Herr Schmidt."  
"Then you could explain to me why you were about to kill one."  
He came forward as Bucky could make out his features. He saw him. How did he know him?...  
"It's this one Fuhrer, he was shouting obscenities at me & my men."  
The tall, slender man came closer into view, Bucky giving him the worst look he could. Schmidt eyed Bucky as if he were a creature that he wanted to play with next. "......He's got bite. We could use him. Get Zola & tell him to make this one a priority. NOW."  
The guard did that sickening salute as he marched out.  
Schmidt looked at. 'We will see if you worthy...Soldier." He began to walk away, without so much as a goodbye.  
He felt gypped. But he had done what he needed. He had drawn attention away from the remainder-  
The door opened abruptly, as Bucky was grabbed by the arms.  
They began yelling in German but he refused to fight; if he did, they would know what he was doing. At least in this way, he had full confidence that he would now be the one. & he would last for as long as he could to make damn sure he could save as many of his men from whatever "it" was.

Progress at: 84%

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! First off, Thank You so much again for stopping by to read; if you have been following or if you've just dropped in, it means more than you know & I'm greatly appreciative of it :')
> 
> Next chapter will be a flashback scene & this memory will continue in Part 2 following it :)


	39. syaD 11-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In addition to explaining how Steve & Sam hear about Naminé's castle, you also get a brief summary & catch-up on KH if you don't know too much about it :)

syaD 11-

Peter put his feet on the table, eating an apple.  
"Umm..that's an expensive table, not a footstool Petey." Tony said.  
He took it off. "Sorry, I just travelled 5 million miles to answer a question, Toaster Boy."  
Tony threw a towel at him.  
"So. It exists?" Steve asked.  
"....Yeah. I found it by accident. It's a dimension you can only find if you've been there before. The portal itself is weird, it's a heart shape with arrow symbols on it."  
Sam sat as well. Tony called Peter over at Steve's request. He pinned the gas wasting on Steve but the latter knew Tony felt for Bucky.  
"I looked it up in the maps. It doesn't exist. However..." Peter opened a digital map. "This is an atlas called 'Nobodies Sanctuaries.'" He pointed to the center. "It used to be HQ for some group called 'Organization XIII'. After it was taken down by some guy with a key for a sword, someone took up residence with a different intention than the previous occupants." He said quietly. "This is where it gets interesting. Buddy, could you?"  
Tony turned down the lights as Peter opened a book, which displayed layers of holographic reads.  
"....Whoa." Sam simply said.  
Peter began again. "Organization XIII were made up of beings called 'Nobodies'. In their world, when a person turns all bad, they turn into these creepy-ass things." He toyed with the hologram, displaying a black, skitterish creature. "They're called Heartless. Icky, right? Now, when a person of strong heart becomes a Heartless, a copy forms, devoid of memory. Basically, the shell of the person who turned to the Dark Side." He paused. "I don't have to ex-"  
"I got it." Steve replied, slightly irritated. "But the point of this isn't film knowledge."  
"No, but just making sure. I mean, that should've been the first thing you checked out, man. Anyway, back to it." He opened another file. A man with spiky blue hair & chilling yellow eyes appeared. "That was their leader. Xemnas. Gone now, but they all look like people."  
He closed the page, flipping to another one. "The new resident is someone called 'The Queen of the Nobodies'. No picture but, she takes the Nobodies in & restores their memories." He closed the book. "Price & cost, not available."  
Steve sat, deep in thought. This could be Bucky's only chance. "Have you been there before?"  
Peter replied. "No. I didn't know what the hell it was at the time so I got out of there."  
Sam spoke. "You said you could only find it if you had been there."  
"It would be only by me. Stark hasn't finished his puny ship & since I've been, it'd just be me that could get you there."  
"But you didn't land. How do we know that you can?" Sam asked.  
"The readings mapped a trajectory point. It only opens every 11 days."  
"How soon?"  
"4 days. I have to refuel, it's a weeks trip."

Steve thought. It was a risk. A Queen that repaired memories. There was no statistic for success, on payment, or how they came back. What if they came back as those 'Heartless' creatures?  
But the question hung. Regression was no longer an option, waiting would mean that that option might never be closed.

Steve turned around. Silence hanging deep in the air.  
".....We'll be ready." Bucky replied.  
Maria got up. "We'll get you refuelled Quill."  
"Thank You."

They left the room. Steve looked on to Bucky who was looking off to the side.  
"Hey." He asked. This measure was to gamble. To not only but Bucky's life in danger, but his very last set of memories that he did have, tormented as it left him. They were still his. & they were the only things he had left. "You sure you want this?" That quiet. "....We can say no." Finally, Bucky shook his head. "....No. ...I want to. I want everything back." He stood up. "I want to fight." Steve walked up, as they gave each other a hug. "...You'll come out of it. I know it." "....Thanks Steve." The room was empty. Bucky just hoped this trip wouldn't leave him like the room.


	40. Day 42- Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky sacrifices himself as he finally finds out what is in "The Isolation Ward".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone had an awesome Labor Day & as always, Thank You guys so much for stopping by & reading :)

Bucky was dragged to the room. He didn't put up a fight, it was better him than his squadron. He was the leader now after all. & he wouldn't allow them to be hurt.

He was set down by the faceless masked goons in a lone room, lit by sickly lights & a small window, that could barely be called such.  
His clothes were tattered & he started to feel the magnitude of his decision.

Patters came into the room. A short, bald man with round glasses came into the room.  
He scoffed. "Well. At least I know I can take you in a fight."  
The man looked at him. "I wouldn't underestimate, Sgt Barnes." He ordered something in German, the rough German he had learned from the soldier in their cage had helped him to translate it to "Take him down". Which exactly was what they did.

The table was more an ironing board than a medical examining table, & he shivered at the cold of the silver.  
"Where is the rest of your camp?"  
No answer.  
"I will not repeat it, Sgt."  
He spit at his captor. The man wiped it gingerly. He went to the back. A hum began. He began breathing faster.  
"We will continue this until you can talk."

Pain.

Progress at: 84%


	41. Day 43

The colors dripped down the walls.

Bucky was used to this. Really; it had happened so much, & so frequent an event that it had grown friendly in his mind.  
It was when he saw the colors that he knew the pain was over. That the men left the room, & he could breathe.

The lights flickered though. He barely noticed that, & he wasn't sure how.

The colors though.

He drifted in & out of sleep, & delusions; sometimes knowing he was speaking, the words waking him up. Hallucinations came every now & then, though he could control those better.  
He wasn't sure how. Maybe because hallucinations meant he had given up on reality. & he had to return something.

Sargent.

A bird's wings fluttered.

32557.

"Bucky."

Tonight, he had to be hallucinating though.

"Oh my God."

The colors began to darken, though his senses began to heighten.

Straps ripped.

S- "Is-is that?..."

"It's me."

Progress at: 85%


	42. Day 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky makes a choice to remember, or simply forget

Raindrops fell lightly from the splash of the table.

The envelope was getting wet, & Bucky had no care.

The thing that the envelope held was a report.  
Detailed & fully listed of his time at the HYDRA factory. However, there was just one thing stopping him.  
He watched as the drops fell onto the rectangle, possibly smudging whatever ink was on it.

He didn't want Steve to know. He didn't want Rebecca, or his parents.  
Because somewhere, underneath all the medals; with innumerable colors, shapes & odd sizes, came a price.  
A burden that would become automatically shared, once it was read. It was heavier than any tanks, & invisible as clouds.

He stared at the envelope. & he wouldn't put anyone through that. Especially them.  
Feigning ignorance was to ignore the problem.

Steve came by. "Is that the report?"

By ignorant people, yes. But he wouldn't let anyone think him a martyr.

"Uh...."

So it wasn't.

Bucky smiled. "Nah. Just..."

It was to throw oneself in front of a grenade. To make sure no one else got hurt. That no one would ever know the contents, or after effects of it. 

"...a letter back home."

He didn't tell him.  
After putting the envelope aside, he told Steve that he didn't remember. That whatever hell they induced on him was blocked out by his mind or them.  
All he did say was what he could. That there was an extra receiving camp not on Steve's maps, & he had seen it from the cages.

Bucky put the letter in his duffel which was recovered from their abandoned base, away from the treasures to be returned. Because it would come back. But separate. & for his own.  
Dum-Dum came in. "Hey Bucky, there's a celebration party in the bar. & not the kind that Falsworth carried. You coming?"

The only problem with leaping on a grenade. Is there isn't a guide to what comes after.  
"Course." He smiled sadly.

Progress at: 87%


	43. Day 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Naminé nears the end of the 2nd door, she asks Steve for some help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! :)  
> As always, if you're reading; Thank You :')
> 
> The WS memories will be coming, so brace yourselves <3

Steve came in to visit. He said hello & sat in the quiet of the room as he grew silently lost in his thoughts.  
Naminé looked over, putting down her pencil. "Tell me a memory."  
He looked over to her.  
"....A memory of your time in the battlefield with James." She smiled.  
He chuckled lightly. "It was just.." He paused, as he remembered. "...Us fighting for those who couldn't.  
"Sometimes we'd meet people that would remind us there were other casualties, outside of camps. I was lucky that I could fight & lay my life for people who felt the same. One night, we were at a bar after we took down another base. We're all about to go in & there's an elderly man laying on a bench. I was about to go over &....." His eyes were there, the same as his mind. ".....there was Buck. Waking him up & giving him money for a room at an inn & told him to wait while he got him some tea." He smiled. "....No matter how dark it got. How horrible. ....Bucky was always so kind."  
She walked over, holding his hand. "Don't worry." He looked to the sketchpad.  
It was a finished drawing of what he had just described. "He's almost there."

Progress at: 88%


	44. Day 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Commandos find themselves in a bar as Bucky shows a side he always had

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been one of my fave chapters; hope you like & Thank You for stopping by :)

They were in Germany.  
His knowledge of German had grown into basic vocabulary so he went off in the bar as Dugan did the talking.  
A jazz singer was rising to the podium to practice, a piano to the left bereft & empty.  
He sat down on it.  
"You know how to play?" The singer asked, in a German accent.  
He replied back in her language. "Yes. You require help?"  
She smiled. "Thank You. So polite."  
He smiled as she rose to the mic.  
"C-sharp, Mr..."  
"Don't matter." He said, as he started playing.  
She seemed slightly surprised, finding a suitable rival in him. She began, crooning in perfect English. He focused, remembering home with every white & black key, keeping with an invisible tempo. The song was Billie Holiday, a favorite of his; she began to finish, reaching the scales.  
He paused, waiting for her note to reach the end; she had her eyes closed, waiting just as trepedatiously.  
He played her out strong but gently, making love to each key. He tinkled out the end as silence came over again.  
The Singer opened her eyes & Bucky looked up, breathing a little hard to see the Commandos standing, gaping in complete shock; with Steve simply smiling.  
Morita started clapping & everyone followed.  
The Singer was in shock as she looked to Bucky. "Bow, all good teams do." She did, her dress dripping elegantly & Bucky did a small one as he sat.  
He looked to her, saying Thank You before getting up to walk away.  
"Wait." She said in English.  
He turned.  
Her eyes & lips were at odds to reveal in betraying as silence let her veil off. She closed it quickly, smirking seductively. "Worst thing about musicians. They always leave right before the crescendo."  
Bucky walked toward her slowly, grasping her hand & softly kissing it. He looked up to her. "No. Your true partner will only leave right as you do. Don't believe anything less." She stood there as he walked away.  
Falsworth turned to Dugan. "....What did he say?"  
Dugan chortled. "Slick, cheesy bastard."

A part of Bucky's heart wishes silently "Hope she does find her true sheet music. She deserves it."  
Steve squeezed his shoulder gently as Berlin air greeted them once more. A symphony still on the breezes & a wish gazing on them.

Progress at: 89%

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever published fanfic, I hope you all enjoyed :')
> 
> KH has a deep place in my heart; for it's exploration & detailing of memory, the heart, mind & the links we make, & have with others. The people who will change, make & shape our lives. That if you love someone, you will always find a way back to them, & that love is the key to the entrance of the unknown.
> 
> After seeing WS, it's also securing a place in my heart; for it's uniqueness, & built a huge respect to all involved in it, Marvel & the MCU :)  
> One of the things that I fell in love with was Steve & Bucky's friendship. How they would risk anything for the other, including themselves.
> 
> One day, I had an idea that Sora's time in Castle Oblivion, & Bucky's own memory wipes held similar lines, & Naminé's ability to piece & take apart memories, but not her own.
> 
> So I combined something that is dear to me, with one that is holding a good place in my heart :')
> 
> There'll be more chapters added, exploring Naminé's life after her her decision, & Bucky's journey to his own. :')  
> Thanks for reading & Take Care!


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